What being a man means

What constitutes being a man? If I was to ask ten random men, and ten random women, I believe I would get 20 fairly different answers. There might be some similarities in what everyone considers to be "manly," but I would bet there would be enough differences, that most of us would step back and say "I hadn't thought of that."

 

For me, being a man first and foremost means owning my life the best that I can. The decisions that I make, I want to be my own, and that I have confidence in them. After all, the actions that make up the life you live are truly the most truthful description of who and what you are. You can talk a good game about anything. But in the end, you should judge yourself by your actions.

 

I'd like then to think, that the actions I perform every day are what make me a man.

 

For my family, it's putting my children first, ensuring that their basic needs are met and that I am good shepherd in this journey that they are on. Being compassionate to them, but also setting boundaries and consequences that help them grow into mature, considerate and independent adults is key to me feeling like I am being a good man.

 

For my community, it is about being engaged, and caring enough not just for friends and neighbors, but helping total strangers if and when I can, because that shows I am responsible to the world for helping it be a better place. I don't subscribe to the rugged individualist role when it comes to determining if I am living up to the man I envision myself to be. Charity, even if it is something as simple as a smile at the post office to a civil servant who is largely overlooked, to me is being a man.

 

For the workplace, being a man means having integrity, acting from a place of leadership and conviction, to both guide an organization to its goals, but also be a responsible citizen of the marketplace.

 

And then there is the role where "manliness" is perhaps most distinct, in opposition to a life partner. For me, being with a woman means that I walk that balance between being strong, supportive and directive when she needs me to take the lead, but also understanding that as a female, she very well might respond differently to situations, words, needs, emotions. There, it can be a tightrope, walking the line of projecting a "manliness" from a bygone era when "men were men," and being the softer, compassionate man I find so many women want today.

 

Being a man isn't easy today. I don't mind saying that. I am happy to hear from women and men whether they understand what I am saying here, and to discuss the role of men more. I think this is a healthy dialogue, and I know I learn more every time I open myself up and am vulnerable to discussions like this. But the world needs to discuss these things as so many men I know feel trapped in models of manliness that they feel compelled to subscribe to. I see couples struggling on both sides of the equation, where the scales alternate their balance between the "manly" man, and the more modern sensitive man society sometimes demands, and at other times mocks.

 

For now, I guess the easiest thing for me to do is simply be me. This is the man I am. It is the man I want my children, my lover, my community, to remember when I am long gone. I just want to be the best me I can be.

Guest Blogger; Richard D'Ambrosio

 

So ladies of have heard from the man himself. I believe we can only live together in harmony when we understand each other. What new things have you learnt about men you didn't already know? Do these things differ from your perceptions? Would you like to learn more about how men view the world?

Please leave a comment below.

The art of getting what you want

Women tend to believe that they can't get what they want or they have to compromise and get a version of something that looks like what they want. This version is usually very far from the truth. For the majority of women they hunt for the perfect wedding dress. They will seek high and low to find this perfect dress and they won't compromise for anything. They want it and they will make sure they get it. I find this very ironic because usually these same women did not put as much due diligence on choosing the man they are going to put on the dress for. Does this make sense?

I have always known a criteria of the man that I wanted. I  was in boarding school and my friends and dorm mates all told me that that man did not exist. They even went on to tell me I would never get married because I had unrealistic expectations. I just said to myself if I can't find him then so be it. One day I went to church and I listed the qualities of the man I wanted. He had to be smarter than me but humble, he had to be patient, want to cook, enjoy adventure, funny, kind, loving, romantic and many others. I left the church and forgot about it. Slightly over a year later, I had met the man I was going to marry. I later found out that he fulfilled all my needs and more. He was perfect man. He didn't need fixing but he needed my love. I gave him the love he needed and he gave me the love I needed. In doing that we both grew to be better human beings than we could have been if we had not found each other. I was so proud of my choice. As a human he wasn't perfect and neither am I but my love was strong enough to let his imperfections raise the bar of my ability to love.
So the trick is know what it is you want, recognise it when you find it and celebrate having it.

How to avoid being ugly?

We all know how fights can be ugly. Why do we say that? Because the people fighting will be saying and doing things that are harmful to both their well being.  I read once in a book by Kara Oh called "Men made easy" that behaviour that doesn't use Feminine Elegance is ugly. Being ugly is to complain all the time, to ridicule and badge your man or other people, to nag and to make your man or any man feel bad and wrong because they just happen to process things differently than you do.

As women we want to be perceived as beautiful, pretty, good looking anything at all that is pleasing to the eye. That is just the outside. What about inside? I think it is even more important to be Elegant inside. Elegant  is described by the Oxford dictionary as, "Graceful and stylish in appearance or manner." What woman would not love that? The good thing is you can't be both elegant and ugly at the same time. 

So how do you choose to be elegant? You stay in the moment. You don't react to triggers but you respond. You allow the people around you to be who they are authentically without feeling threatened. You take charge of your emotions and manner. The words that come out of your mouth shouldn't  leave you feeling ugly but should leave you feeling good inside. You teach yourself to relax and to have a sense of humour. You are able to laugh at yourself and you don't take yourself too seriously. You don't take everything that happens around you personally. You express yourself with confidence. You are authentic. You allow you heart to open and love freely. If you manage to develop these skills you will have amazing relationships because it would be fun to be around you.

Please leave a comment.

How to use your Feminine Elegance

I have always loved being a woman. It is fun and we really have many options. What I have discovered though is that most women don't realise how powerful they are and they don't use their power to have easier lives. Most women infact have given up their power or they think that men have more power than them. This is not to bash men or even criticise them. Men have physical power and that rocks but women have emotional power and that’s awesome.  If you're in control of your emotions as a woman you are very powerful.

I  used to think that I wasn't powerful. I lost control, screamed, cried and bullied any man whom I thought was being unfair to me. I got married at 24. I was so in love with my boyfriend and we had done the work. We are the couple that had discussed the kind of marriage we wanted, how many kids, how we respond to parents' need of our assistance, or siblings etc. We also had lived together for while so I thought I knew everything about my man. I wanted kids so I had even checked out how he handled little people and even how he treated people in need. He had passed with flying colours. After a year of marriage I was miserable. I couldn't understand how that could be. I even told my mom I wanted a divorce. I had gone back to college so I couldn't really afford to leave him and we had emigrated which meant I would have no help with child minding. I decided to stay while I finished my Masters. I also decided to find out what was going wrong. I started reading so I could understand how relationships work. I knew I didn't want to live in that environment and I also didn't want to grow up in that environment. I grew up in a happy home so I knew how valuable that was.

So I read, "Getting the love you want, a guide for couples" by Harville Hendrix, "Men are from mars, women are from Venus," by John Gray and others. I knew what I didn't want but from that I decided I wanted a home that was joyous, fun and full of love. I wanted to look forward going home everyday after work. I wanted to look forward to my husband coming home after work. While I was doing all that soul searching and work something clicked and I suddenly knew how to respond when I felt triggered by my husband. I stopped lashing out. I would tell him when I was unhappy about something but now I did it gracefully. I got better results so I kept improving on that. After 18 months we were back on our love path and enjoying each other. This time we had a better appreciation of each other because we now knew it was possible to lose it all. We survived the conflict stage.

Every day we rushed home to be together. We chatted and texted during the day and just enjoyed being together. We were both grateful for what we had. I remember after our 10th wedding anniversary and I was waiting for him to meet him so we could go home together. I was so excited to see him. I noticed it and I thought it was hilarious after so long. I was happy that I managed to get us back to a great flow. As it happened my husband got cancer and died. I was devastated but I survived and I am doing alright now.

During my grieving period I talked a lot about him and us as a couple. I learnt then that other couples never get out of the conflict stage. That other couples are not as happy as I assumed they were like we were. Learning that was an eye opener for me. I started looking back to see what it is that was so different about us? I remembered all the things that I did and I spent time reviewing and writing them down. Now I want to help other women use my secrets or tools to also have good and happy relationships.

I started Heart Candy Institute to do just that. At Heart Candy Institute we work with women on how to use their femininity as a power base to pursue their gifts and talents to bring value to their lives and others so that every time they "get a chance to be a WOW "!